Sunday, 25 September 2016

to feel or not to feel


Love has been on my mind as of late.

It seems like everyone around me my age is celebrating an anniversary, talking to someone new and exciting that they “really, really really like,” or have been in long term relationships for well, a long time. Don’t get me wrong, though — I am so ecstatic for all of my friends and family and even for the people I follow on Instagram, to be finding so much love in their lives, and to be around so much of it recently has made me really reflect on the types of love in and surrounding my life. 

Let me just clarify: though I’ve been single for quite some time, I don’t lack love in my life. There are so many wonderful things and people that bring me so much joy and fill me up with so much love that I am thankful every day. There’s no doubt in my mind that my life is filled with love, but I admit that there are moments when I miss having someone to simply be interested in. I missed having a crush and liking somene. "It would be nice,” I would say to the Universe (or God, or Fate, or Destiny — whatever you’d like to call that ~higher spirit~) some nights.  





The Universe also thought it would be nice, then, because after many nights of me hinting, they sent me a lovely boy. Well, I didn’t think he was all that lovely in the beginning. He wasn’t at all what I thought I was looking for or wanted in someone to simply be interested in, but it happened — I got interested. He was so cute. Like, so, so, cute. I liked the way he always remembered things about me and said them casually like he tried not to care but did. I liked the way he always tried to make me laugh when I was feeling down, and I liked the way his hair swept to the side. 

It was such an innocent crush and I thanked the Universe for putting him in my life so that I’d finally have someone to make me smile and inspire me (because all great people in my life do) and just to talk to. It was nice and simple. 

Today someone asked me what I thought the difference was between having a crush on someone and liking someone. I told them that I thought that having a crush was more so being attracted to someone, wanting to get to know them, and having this kind of control over your feelings. Like, it’s not that hard to get over a crush, and normally crushes don’t last long (well, mine don’t at least). Liking someone, then, would be an escalation of that. When you start to think about them when you’re not with them, taking their personality more into consideration, like random little quirks about them, wanting to be around them and with them, letting them give you joy, and lastly, a sense of loosing control over your feelings —  these are all signs of liking someone. 

I liked this boy. It didn't feel that simple anymore.
(How dare the Universe send me too lovely of a boy?) 


There are other details, of course, that make this situation a bit more complicated and could possibly alter the idea that may be forming in your head right now that is probably along the lines of, “Well, why don’t you tell him?! Do something about it instead of sittin here and writing a damn blog post about it!” (Let me just interrupt you right now and say, also, that by me writing about it is probably the best thing I can do for this entire situation at this moment.) I won’t go into those details, though, because that isn’t the point of all of this. 

The point is that I have something — someone — to look forward to, someone who almost like my muse at this point (because if I’m brutally honest I was a wannabe writer because I used to write every day and then just couldn’t, but maybe now I’m a writer again because it’s because of him that I’m writing this right now at 11:30PM when I should be sleeping, right?), and I have someone to experience this feeling of liking someone again, because it’s been a really, really, long time since I have. Liking someone, even though people have told me that it "sucks" that they're loosing this control they want and are falling deeper and deeper and don't know what to do, doesn't suck. Not all the way, at least. Like, it's scary, for sure, but it also opens you, it shows you things, it makes you do things, and it makes you feel things.

Just imagine what love would be like. (I can’t imagine.) 

It should suck, I think, because I am so certain that nothing will happen and that I can’t control my feelings anymore, but it still doesn't. 

Feelings get such a bad rep of making us do crazy things and making us look at the world with this special lens that looks all lovely because we have someone lovely in our lives, and we can’t tell right from wrong anymore, and we can’t stop, and yes, all of that is so true sometimes, that feelings do suck in some situations, but for the most part: it is so filling.

I said that I was filled with love, and I am. But I was missing a crush, I was missing a like. They do the same thing as love does, but a crush can be exciting and fun, and a like can be in between a crush and a love and so it is confusing and scary and feels like you are loosing all control and sense, but it is its own thing and it's own feeling and it’s own stage and I don’t know.. I just think that’s something worthwhile, because right now it’s taken me somewhere new and now I’m thinking differently about this feeling I used to despise and I'm writing this, talking about this (which I haven't before and I am sure my coworkers and friends and family are probably reading this -- hi, btw!) and now I’m smiling. I’m — we’re (those of us who may be transitioning into liking their someone) — loosing control, something that some of us can’t stand loosing, but yet, we still smile because this person we're loosing control for is making that possible. And isn’t that what life is all about? That through a time of awkwardness, confusion, and fear, we’re still able to smile? That’s what crushing — liking — loving — does for us. 

"you have to find that place
that brings out the human in you. 

the soul in you. the love in you." 
- r.m. drake 


until next time, 
Cat 

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